SATR Claus
by JoeMerl
Summary: Skoodge just wants two things for Christmas: to spread joy and watch his favorite TV special. But as he treks through the city delivering gifts to his "friends," will he find anybody to actually spend the holiday with? Skoodge/Tak, one-shot. Cover image by InvaderZimFanNumber1.


**Author's Notes: **Christmastime! Ah, how I love it, but _ah,_ so much work. Well, between cleaning the house for my grandmother's visit and creating happy memories for my four younger brothers, I've managed to find the time to write my annual Christmas fic. This is the longest one-shot I've ever written at more than 7,000 words---and I'm not even sure if anybody will _read_ it, since it stars a minor character and is based on a pairing that for some reason nobody seems to like. Plus the title is a weird if sort-of-clever pun (please tell me though if you can think of something better!) Ah well---if anybody _does_ read this, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Skoodge stood back with his hands on his hips and a wide smile on his face, admiring his work. "Ah, my first Christmas tree!" he squealed, closing his eyes in excitement. "Isn't it beautiful?"

The tree, in response, tipped over slightly under the weight of its tinfoil star, a few scraggly needles falling off in the process. Skoodge frowned slightly as the few working lights continued to flicker. Oh well. It wasn't as nice as some of the trees he'd seen in the real humans' houses, but he'd seen a Christmas special that assured him that small diseased trees weren't bad at all, really, they just needed a little love. And his tree looked...well, not quite as good as the tree from that special, but he'd put a lot of love into it, honest. A few of the ornaments were even shaped like hearts to emphasize the point, cut off from the wrappers of some very-old Valentine's meats from under GIR's bed.

The little SIR unit---sitting on the floor in his dog costume with the hood off---"oooh"ed at the sight of the little tree, then clapped his paws together as Minimoose squeaked from over his head. "It's so prettiful! I wanna suck it!" GIR said, jumping up and running over to do just that. Skoodge quickly grabbed him by his antenna and yanked him off his feet.

"No, no, GIR," Skoodge scolded, even as the latter waved his arms and legs as though he were oblivious to his state, "you've already ruined this tree three times today. I've read all about Earth traditions on the Interthingy, we're not supposed to suck on it until the Box Day at _least._"

"Oooh..." GIR moaned, his arms and legs going slack as Skoodge set him gently back down.

"Um, I hate to break up this little Christmas party," the Computer said, "but Ebenezer Scrooge is coming."

Skoodge looked up at the ceiling and blinked. "Who?"

"GIR! Minimoose! Er, What's-His-Name?!"

Skoodge turned as the couch lifted up to reveal a trapdoor. He grinned. "Hey, Zim!"

The couch lowered back down as Zim stepped off of the lift; he kicked at something on the floor as he came forward and jumped, suddenly finding a bunch of colorful paper and tape stuck to his boot. "Agh!" he cried, shaking his leg. "What is this _filth?!_"

"Me and Minimoose was wrappin' our presents!" GIR said, grinning joyously as he held up a badly-wrapped sphere with a large pink bow. "Here's yours! Guess what it is!"

"I have no idea, GIR!"

The little robot giggled insanely. "Me neither! I totally forgot." He threw himself backwards on the floor, laughing uproariously; the present went flying and fell down, hitting Zim on the head. He let out a cry as it fell to the floor; from the sound of it whatever the gift was had been made out of glass.

"_Grrr..._" Skoodge drew back nervously as Zim growled, rubbing his bruised head as one of his eyes twitched. "I thought I told you I didn't want any of this stupid hyuman holiday dirt in my base?!"

"Actually, you said you didn't want any of this stupid human holiday dirt in your _lab,_" Skoodge corrected meekly, rapping his knuckles together. "That's why I moved it up here."

"That's right, I have it recorded," the Computer volunteered.

Zim's eyes narrowed, then snapped over to something in the corner behind the tree. "And what's that?" he demanded, pointing to a lumpy, bulging beige sack. "_More_ stupid Earth-junk for this..._Christmas_ nonsense?"

Skoodge suddenly grinned again. "Sort of," he teased. He ran over to the sack and dragged it out of the corner, then reached inside with clawed hands that trembled with anticipation. "It's---_presents!_" he cried, pulling one out dramatically and shoving it in Zim's face.

Zim jumped back. "Wha---!"

It was another badly-wrapped package, this one flat and lumpy with a big tag that said **_TO ZIM!!! _**Zim looked at it askance, then turned his gaze to Skoodge, who was nodding encouragingly. Zim slowly took the present from him, poking it gingerly. "...What is it?" he asked suspiciously.

Skoodge waved his finger at him, his smile growing. "Uh-uh-uh, Zim! No finding out what your present is until Christmas tomorrow morning."

Zim raised his nonexistent eyebrow and looked up, annoyed. He opened his mouth to tell Skoodge how stupid that was, but before he even had a chance the other Invader let out another squeal and began to jump up and down, clapping his hands excitedly. "Oh, I can't wait! Open it, open it!"

Zim blinked again, then extended one PAK-leg, ripping a hole through the paper in a single _AMAZING! _slash. Letting the paper drop to the ground Zim unfurled what seemed to be a large flag made from a very heavy white cloth. There was a large hole on one end and the words _**BEST INVADIR EVER!**_ stitched on in black letters, half of which were backwards. Zim raised a nonexistent eyebrow.

"It's an apron!" Skoodge said, which was convenient because Zim would honestly never have been able to guess. "See, I noticed you never wore an apron when you're doing your experiments, which is really unsafe and stuff. So I sewed you one!"

"Sued?" Zim looked up from the appalling thing. "What do you mean?"

"I sewed it! You know, made it. See?" He stripped off his gloves and held up his hands, which were covered with many small cuts and bandages. He grinned broadly. "I used that machine-thingy that you picked out of Dib's garbage, remember?"

Zim gasped. "You mean the death-bot?! I told you to stay away from that!"

The Computer sighed loudly. "Zim, I told you, it's a _sewing machine. _Remember, you even found it after that weekend Dib couldn't foil you because he was cleaning out his attic?"

"LIES!" Zim accused, shaking his fist in the air. "The speed with which that machine attacked me with its horrible death-needle was too great for anything but the most amazing of killing devices! If I could only study it, learn the Dib-monsters secrets..."

The Computer sighed. Skoodge, put off by the change of topic, pointed at his present. "See? Here's the head-hole. For your head!" he added unnecessarily. "So---do you _love_ it?!"

Zim help the apron up again, examining it closely. It was far too long for him---an impressive feat, given how AMAZINGLY TALL Zim was (insert powerful doublethink to eliminate thoughts resisting that self-image here). And the head-hole too was far too large---why, it was even too large for the Dib-beast's huge head, half of Zim's amazing body would be exposed from that opening alone. As for the letters..."They're sideways."

"Huh?"

"The letters. You wrote them sideways," Zim said, holding the apron up. "You wouldn't be able to read them if I wear it! It looks more like some ridiculous flag than an apron!"

"Oh." Skoodge's antennae flattened against his head. "Well, it was my first try," he explained. "I wanted to make sure to get your present done first, 'cause you know...most important..."

Zim grimaced, then his eyes rested on the huge sack of gifts---it was almost as tall as Skoodge's own meager height (insert powerful doublethink to eliminate remembrance that Skoodge was actually taller than him here). Zim's eyes widened. "Are those..._all_ for me?" he asked nervously.

Skoodge chuckled. "Heh---no, of course not, silly! I mean, not that I wouldn't _want_ to get you a whole bunch of presents---but I had to save some material for all of my other friends!"

"All of your other...?"

GIR let out a cheer and held up a hideous stuffed piggy wearing a cape---that or a three-eyed frog with a parasail, it was honestly hard to tell. Minimoose floated down to the floor and picked up a him-sized T-shirt that read _IM WIF STOOPID, _complete with a pop-out felt arrow pointing downwards.

"In fact," Skoodge said, examining a chronometer that emerged from his PAK, "I have to get going! It's getting late, and I have LOTS of presents to deliver to everyone from skool! Especially if I want to get back in time for my favorite Christmas special---I've never caught it all the way through and this is the last time it'll be on 'til next year."

"Christmas special?"

"Yeah, on the TV! They have all sorts of them, they're one of my favorite things about this holiday!" The chronometer disappeared back into Skoodge's PAK as several more spider-legs emerged, supplying Skoodge with a jacket, mittens, a scarf and a fuzzy red wig with Santa hat included. "Hey, Zim, do you wanna come with---"

"No."

"---me? Oh, okay." Skoodge frowned slightly, then reached over and pulled the sack of presents onto his back. He let out a strangling noise as he did so; the thing was not only as big as he was, but seemed to weigh as much too, and that, Zim thought, was no inconsiderable feat. "I better get going then. _Ugh---_"

The Computer, in an oddly charitable mood, swung the door open; a blast of cold air filled the room as Skoodge staggered out the door, shimmering momentary as his holographic disguise covered up his Irken appearance. A second later the door swung shut again on its own accord, with what looked like a squat, redheaded human child carrying a huge sack across the yard.

Zim watched him out the window, then shook his head, sighing; look at him, he thought. Going off to deliver presents to the hyuman dirt-worms. He would never understand Skoodge and his fascination with this planet's horrible inhabitants; he seemed to honestly _enjoy_ the company of some of these monsters. No wonder he was such a failure of an Invader.

Zim cast another look at his apron again, frowning. Then he threw it to the floor and pointed. "Computer? Destroy this."

A laser cannon descended from the ceiling wires immediately and zapped it to dust.

"Consider yourself lucky," the Computer added, withdrawing the cannon from the smoldering ashes. "I honestly don't know _what_ I'm going to with that _tarp_ he made for me..."

* * *

It was a cold, blustery winter's day; even between his warm clothes and his PAK's automatic temperature regulator Skoodge was shivering, blinking in slight pain whenever a breeze blew one of those burning watery snowflakes onto his face. Carrying a huge sack on his back didn't help matters either---Skoodge wasn't very strong, he had to admit, and he had presents for a _lot _of people to deliver. But that was okay; he liked giving people presents. He had been looking forward to this all month, in fact, ever since Mr. Elliot first mentioned this wonderful-sounding holiday in class. Skoodge had decided to make presents for all of his friends---which was a daunting task, as he had made _so many _since first coming to Earth. He had almost had to just settle for gifts for _some_ of his friends, but he had worked hard to avoid that---after all, he didn't want anybody to feel left out!

Skoodge grunted as he climbed a steep hill, his wide mouth curling into a frown. Poor Zim, he thought, hefting the bag farther up on his shoulder. For some reason he didn't have any human friends---which was a pity, Skoodge thought, since all of the humans he'd met turned out to be such wonderful people. Well, except for the ones who tried to beat him up, anyway, but they were easy enough to deal with once you tried to gouge out their eyes. Skoodge had only had to do that _once _since he came here and already everybody left him alone. He sighed, wishing that he had been assigned to this planet to start with instead of Blorch---there he had had to try to gouge out just about _everyone's _eyes, and unfortunately most of them would try gouging back. And nobody made fun of him for being short either, which had been a persistent problem on every Irken planet Skoodge had ever been to. Zim, however, somehow had never seemed to warm up to this world---it made Skoodge sad, really, to think of him back in the warm, dry base labs by himself instead of out here in the snow lugging presents to all his little skool-friends.

Skoodge struggled up the walkway to the first house on his list.

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK._

There was a slight sound of movement from inside; "Just a second!" A moment later the door swung open to reveal a familiar human face. Skoodge smiled brightly as the Earth-child jumped back, his eyes wide.

"Hi Dib!" Skoodge said, waving happily (or at least, doing the best he could to wave happily when his spine was being crushed by a hundred-pound sack).

"Skoodge!" Dib quickly took up a battle pose, his wide eyes going narrow. "Why are you here?!"

Skoodge laughed. "Calm down!" he said, waving his hand. "This isn't a me-helping-Zim-try-to-destroy-you visit. I just came by to say merry Christmas!"

Dib dropped his position, blinking slowly. "...Huh?"

Skoodge dropped his bag (with a very loud, happy sigh of relief) and began rummaging inside. "Yeah! See, I made you something...ah, here it is!" Dib suddenly found a package shoved hastily into his hands; he looked down at it in shock and then up at Skoodge, who was bouncing on his toes and clapping his fists together in excitement. "Go ahead, open it! I want to see your face!"

Dib sputtered for a moment, then shook his head, staring at him. "...Do you honestly think I'm going to fall for this?!"

Skoodge blinked. "Huh?"

"I mean, come on, Skoodge! I'd expect Zim to come up with an idea this obvious but I thought you were---marginally---smarter than that! I---"

"What's all the hubbub, son?!"

Boy and alien-disguised-as-boy looked up to see Professor Membrane standing behind his son in the doorway, his hair smoking slightly and a modest cup of eggnog in one hand. "Ah!" he said, noticing Skoodge. "And who's this, one of your little skoolyard friends?"

"No, Dad, that's an alien."

"Oh, your little foreign friend!" Professor Membrane bent down, peering at Skoodge through his impenetrable goggles. "...Hmm...I could have sworn he was thinner."

"No, Dad, that's Zim. This is the _other_ evil alien monster trying to destroy humanity. ...Well, _one_ of the others, it's actually kind of confusing."

"Ah, if you say so, son," Membrane said, straightening up; Dib got the distinct (and very accurate) impression that Membrane got that this wasn't Zim but simply ignored every other part of Dib's statement. "And what's this?! Did he get you a present?"

"Uh-huh!" Skoodge said, nodding vigorously. "Open it!"

"Well, go ahead, son!"

"What?! But Dad---it's probably some sort of energy bomb, or a mutated rabid chihuahua, or a---_Family Guy_ DVD or something!"

"_Son..._what did your therapist tell you about letting your delusions get in the way of normal childhood interaction?"

"But I---uh---"

Dib looked from the box to his father to Skoodge, then sighed as he turned back to the gift and began to slowly, _carefully_ unwrap it. Skoodge went back to jumping up and down---oh, and the suspense was just _horrible, _because Dib seemed to be one of those people who liked to save the wrapping paper, he peeled it off _really _carefully and put it down on the ground, his eye occasionally twitching as he shot Skoodge frantic looks. Finally all that was left was a simple brown box; Dib reached very slowly to its flaps, arm shaking, then suddenly threw it open and looked away, shielding his face in utter and complete terror. Only when he _didn't_ suddenly die after a few seconds did he cautiously turn back, looking bewildered, and slowly reached into the box to pull out his prize.

"It's a T-shirt!" Skoodge exclaimed, his joy getting the best of him. "To replace the one that caught on fire after last week's weasel incident? I figured you'd need a new one. So what do you think?!"

"I...uh..."

Dib stared at the shirt in his hands, unable to fully speak. It was clearly based on his own favorite shirts' design, but Skoodge seemed to have made this one by himself...very badly. It was made up of patches stitched unevenly together---about half of them were different shades of blue, but the others were bright, screaming tie-dye, while the face decal was bright yellow and smiling, with two thumbs-up pictures stitched onto either side. The hands, too, were different sizes and colors.

"It's really...um...yeah," Dib ventured, unsure of _what _to say. He was still quite open to the idea that this was some sort of trap---maybe Zim was simply hoping the bullies would kill Dib the first time he came to class with this on? Or was the tie-dye was supposed to make him an easier target the next time the two of them fought in the dark?

"I have another one for Gaz!" Skoodge added, throwing another package into Dib's hands. "Anyway, I have to go, lots more friends to see tonight! Merry holidays and everything!"

He hefted the bag back onto his back, waved and slowly climbed down from the stoop and away down the street. "Goodbye, young man!" Membrane said cheerfully, closing the door. "You know, son, I always did like your foreign friends. Now come along!" he said, clasping Dib on the shoulder. "I want to show you the new ANTI-KRINGLE LASERS! Blow Rudolph right out of the sky, it will," he added with uncharacteristic malice in his voice.

"Er, okay, Dad...just let me give Gaz her present first."

"Hmm?" Gaz, who had been sitting on the couch watching _The Scary Monkey Saves Kwanzaa,_ turned around, one narrow eye opening. "What present?"

"It's from Skoodge," Dib said, throwing it onto her lap.

"Skoodge?" She picked it up, her one open eye glaring curiously before it turned back toward Dib. "What _is _it?"

Dib cast another look at the T-shirt in his hand and scoffed. "My guess? Something pink and frilly."

* * *

After dropping off Dib's cool new T-shirt and Gaz's frilly pink dress, Skoodge spent the next several hours walking through the city, dropping off presents with each of his many friends from the skool. He managed to get everybody in his class, and then started on the people he liked to sit with at lunch---Melvin, Dirge, Matthew P. Mathers III, that kid whose name he didn't know who looked sort of like a lizard...everybody seemed to really like their presents, Skoodge thought happily as crossed off each name on his mental list. Just like Dib, most of them were so impressed they could barely even speak! And nobody said anything mean about them, which was nice. That's what Skoodge liked so much about his friends---everybody was so nice and stammery, instead of mean and loud like Zim. Er---not that Zim wasn't nice too!

Unfortunately, while delivering presents was good for Skoodge's Christmas spirit, it wasn't so good for his physical state. Granted, his bag got a little bit lighter with every friend he visited, but his weariness was building and it was starting to get darker and colder out. He thought again of his Christmas special and forced himself to walk faster, wincing against another cold breeze.

He arrived at Gretchen's house. She smiled broadly when Skoodge presented his present, but frowned in confusion when she pulled it out of the box.

"It's a set of new braces!" Skoodge explained. "Like one of those see-through kind they sell on TV. You know, because your normal ones are so big and ugly? I made them myself using my own teeth as a model!" He grinned widely with his zipperlike mouth.

Like so many others, Gretchen was stunned by his generosity.

Next Skoodge rushed over to Keef's house, the second-to-last on his list; by this time Skoodge was freezing like a Slor-beast on Plookesia's third moon, but he smiled to himself when he thought of Keef's cheery little family---just walking in front of their house while they were cooking was a sure invitation to dinner, so at least he would get a chance to stop and rest for a little bit from the cold! And they'd probably have hot chocolate...

Unfortunately---er, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it---Skoodge arrived just when they were all getting into the car to leave. Apparently they were headed to Keef's grandmother's house for the holiday.

"Oh, the one who drinks?" Skoodge asked brightly, handing over his gift.

"Oh, no, the other one," Keef said, the smallest little hint of relief in his tone. "And oh man, _thank you _for this!" Keef gushed, opening the box. "Oh, wow, a scarf!" he cried, unfurling a green-and-pink polka-dotted monstrosity longer than he was tall and covered in little bells. "Oh, and what's this part?"

"A sleeve! It, uh, started out as a T-shirt."

"Cool! Oh, and there's a smaller one for Meef too!" By "smaller" Keef meant _only _as long as he was tall. "Thanks, buddy!" he squealed, pulling Skoodge into an organ-crushing hug.

Keef's father poked his head out of the car. "Hurry up, son! We don't want to be late for Christmas caroling around the retirement village!"

"Oh boy!" Keef released Skoodge and ran into the car, buckling himself in beside his almost-as-cheery younger brother.

"Can we offer you a ride home, Skoodge?" Keef's mother asked, smiling in a way that made her look incredibly like her son.

"Oh, no thanks," Skoodge said, even as he eyed the car and thought of how warm it must be, even with primitive human technology. "My last stop is sort of out-of-the-way."

"Alright, then. Merry Christmas, dear!"

"Bye, Skoodge!" Keef and Meef called, waving out the window.

Skoodge waved weakly as he watched the car drive away. _Oh. _He had really been looking forward to that hot cocoa too.

Skoodge sighed, then shivered violently as another snowy breeze blew by. Scanning the surrounding houses for any eavesdroppers, Skoodge checked the chronometer in his PAK again and let out a little yelp. Oh man, he only had about half an hour to get home! He would have to really hurry.

Oh, well. Only one more stop to go.

Skoodge hefted his bag and began the long, weary trek to Tak's house.

* * *

Tak had a really, _really_ nice base.

Skoodge's base on Blorch hadn't been very nice---he had been disguised as a Blorchian, after all, and Blorchians weren't known for palatial abodes. And while Zim's base was really, _really _cool, Skoodge had always thought that it was a little...uncomfortable. And sarcastic. Though maybe that was just because he lived in a pipe in the basements. Not that he minded; it was nice of Zim to let him stay there at all. But Tak's base...well, Tak's base was just something else.

First of all, it was a real human house---rather than creating a false persona from scratch like he and Zim had, Tak had simply found a rich human and hypnotized him into thinking that she was his daughter. Skoodge thought this was probably out of necessity---Tak wasn't a real Invader (a fact she did _not _like you bringing up too much, incidentally), so she didn't have access to all the equipment and resources that a normal Invader had. But it worked out well for her, Skoodge supposed---her house was _huge, _and while it didn't have all the underground labs and facilities that it should have she had plenty of room for labs and stuff. And it was fancy, surrounded by other fancy houses in a fancy neighborhood just outside of the city because the city just wasn't fancy enough to support all that fanciness. Normal people weren't even allowed in---Skoodge, having learned this, had grown accustomed to turning his hologram to invisible and using his PAK-legs to climb over the surrounding wall. All the houses there were amazingly extravagant---beautiful even, Skoodge thought, especially this time of the year, when each was decorated with amazing little lights and the holiday's strange but wonderful decorations.

When Skoodge finally managed to _get _to Tak's house (which was _still_ a long walk once you got _over _the wall) he stopped, panting for a moment even as he continued to shiver in the cold night air. He was really freezing by this point---and he still had a long walk home, he reminded himself. He let out a weary sigh. "Oh well. At least I'm almost done," he said, straightening.

Tak's base, Skoodge thought, was probably the most decorated in the neighborhood---there were white-and-rainbow-colored lights everywhere, and the front yard was a maze of props, from hedges shaped like snowmen to a special little house filled with fake people and animals (though what _they_ had to do with Christmas Skoodge had no clue). Working his way around them all, Skoodge walked up the ornate front steps and paused for just a moment before ringing the doorbell. He waited a moment; when the door finally opened a tall, tuxedoed man was staring down his nose at him. It was Tak's butler, Honoré Péter III, who broke the usual "austere British servant" stereotype only insofar as he was French.

"Oh. Eet eez _you,_" the man said when he noticed Skoodge, disdain oozing from every syllable of his voice.

To which Skoodge, of course, was totally oblivious. "Hey Honoré! Is Tak here?"

Honoré's eyes narrowed, then he sighed, turning around. "Mademoiselle Deelishus!" he called irritably, disappearing from sight. "Eet is your leetle---_ugh_---friend _Skoodge._" He spoke the name in the tone some humans would reserve for saying words like "slug" or "FOX Network."

Skoodge watched the butler walk away and waited, suddenly wondering if he should have brought a present for Honoré as well. He didn't have long to wonder, however, because suddenly a girl---or she looked like a girl, anyway---materialized at the door, startling him as she leaned against the threshold with her arms crossed over her chest.

"_Skoodge,_" Tak said simply.

Skoodge opened his mouth to say something but then closed it; Tak was always hard to talk to at first, for some reason---even though at the moment she looked like a normal pre-to-early-teenaged girl, something about Tak's eyes could make someone very nervous even through her disguise. And unfortunately for Skoodge, he was somebody Tak _liked _to make nervous---if Zim was too stupid to be afraid of her she could at least settle for his frightening his sycophantic lackey.

Luckily, Skoodge could recover from Tak's glare relatively quickly. "Hey," he croaked, flashing a slight twitchy smile.

Tak raised one holographic eyebrow suspiciously. She never knew quite _what_ to make of this one---her natural inclination was to fear him as a significant challenge, the great Invader that he had proven himself to be, but all she saw of his behavior worked to dash that perception quite quickly. Tak let out a small sigh of annoyance as her eyes settled on his hat---it was hard to imagine something _less _fitting to be worn by a mighty Irken war hero. And even without that he hardly looked very heroic---Tak took in his current state, half-bent, panting slightly, his whole body shaking with cold. Fat as a Slor-beast. And _short._

It bothered her. Bothered her that she didn't know how to deal with him---as a foe or merely a petty annoyance---and even more so it bothered her that someone so great could be so...not-great as well. It was unsettling; it threw her entire sense of order out the window.

"What do you want?" she snapped, skipping right to the point. She had no intention of standing out here in the cold without _some_ sort of good reason.

Skoodge jumped slightly. "Oh...um, I j-just wanted to come over to wish you a m-merry Christmas." The cold mixed with nervousness on his tongue; he was shivering so violently now that he found it hard to speak.

Tak stared at him. "_...What?_" she deadpanned.

"Yeah! Y-you know---happy holidays, 'Fe-Felix Navy-dud' and all that?"

Tak just continued to gape at him; it was, in fact, a moment before she found the ability to speak. "You do realize that I don't..._celebrate_ this holiday, don't you?"

Skoodge's holographic face fell; Tak could just imagine his antennae falling too if they had been visible just then. "Oh, really? Why not?" He paused. "Is your fake father one of those 'Joosh' people Mr. Elliot mentioned in class?"

"What? Oh---_no, _you ridiculous little fish!" Tak slapping her palm to her face. "I'm an _Irken, _you moron, just like you're supposed to be! I mean, look at you!" She motioned to him angrily; Skoodge jumped again and looked around, unsure of what he was looking for. "That hat! Do you realize quite how stupid you look at the moment?"

"Um...n-no?"

Tak groaned; Skoodge looked around, confused. "But---w-wait," he asked, motioning to the various props on the lawn. "If you d-don't like Christmas, then why---"

"My _cover, _you fool-worm," Tak said wearily, rolling her fake human eyes. "Every other house in the neighborhood has them, don't they?"

"...Oh." That made sense; it was the only reason they had lights up at the base. Or at least, it was the only reason Zim gave for not tearing down the ones Skoodge and the other minions had put up outside the house.

"So is that all?" Tak asked, her voice dripping in sarcastic obeisance.

"Um...I guess so. Oh!" Skoodge slapped himself on the face before reaching in his sack. "Except for this."

"What?"

"Your present!"

"My---_what?_"

Before Tak knew what was happening Skoodge held out to her, beaming. Tak stared as she unconsciously took it: it was a small rectangular box, longer than her hand but about as wide, wrapped in shiny purple paper with bright pink ribbon.

Her eyes narrowed as she turned back to him. "Is this a trick?"

To her surprise, Skoodge giggled. "_No! _J-jeez, you're as paranoid as D-d-d-Dib," he said, now rolling _his _eyes at _her_ (which of course she found _remarkably_ annoying). "Anyway---_brrr---_I g-gotta go. S-see you later!"

Rubbing his mittens together Skoodge turned and began to walk down the steps of Tak's base; he didn't even want to stay and watch Tak open his present, he was so desperate to get out of the cold from both the air and her icy gaze. Tak, meanwhile, just stared after him for a few moments; her eyes shifted from his present to his retreating, shivering figure, a look of confusion upon her face as he sneezed.

"_Stop!_"

Skoodge froze instantly; Tak's voice rang out as a cold, clear command, and Skoodge had to resist the urge to salute her as his commanding officer as he turned. Tak's eyes were darker and colder than ever, making him _shake _even harder; then she suddenly turned, her eyes clouded, before looking back at him with a strange and pensive look.

"Would you...like to come in for a moment?"

Skoodge blinked at her. "Huhjiggawhatnow?"

"Would you like to come in?" Tak asked; from the sound of disdain in her voice she seemed to be forcing the words out from behind clenched teeth. "I mean, for goodness' sakes, you look like a Slor-beast---"

"_---on Plookesia's third moon!_" Skoodge suddenly shouted, then laughed loudly. Tak blinked and stared, but before she knew it Skoodge had bounded back up the steps and jumped over her threshold, and Tak had to quickly close the door and run after him, cursing to herself and dropping her hologram as she went.

Luckily, Skoodge didn't run too far---rather, he stopped as soon as he reached the main entrance room, his fake human eyes going wide.

"_Whoa._"

"Yes, it _is _rather impressive," Tak said with a slight smirk, staring up at the elegantly-arched walls and sparkling crystal chandelier. "Human decor, but I must admit I like it more than I should. And this mansion's size is quite advantageous to certain types of---"

"Look at all the _Christmas stuff!_"

Tak's antennae drooped. "Oh. _That._"

Skoodge tittered, rapping his knuckles as he stared around the room. "_Wow!_ This is---this is like Santa's workshop!" he gushed. "Look at all the trees---and the holly---oh man, is that a train track under that tree?! All this is part of your cover?!"

"Well---sort of. You see, my human father---"

"_Mademoiselle?_"

Both Irkens turned as Honoré entered---and as they did Skoodge jumped and sputtered, suddenly noticing that Tak had dropped her disguise and was standing fully Irken in the middle of the room. Honoré, however, looked right past her to the apparently-human Skoodge. "...Oh. Meez Tak, um..."

"My friend will be visiting for the next few minutes," Tak snapped. "Now go be useful and get us something to drink."

"But of course," Honoré said, giving Skoodge a dark look. Skoodge gulped, ducking his face away from his gaze as he turned and vanished, apparently towards the kitchens.

"But he---I---your disguise---"

"The butler---indeed, all of the servants and workers in this house---are all under the influences of my hypnotism," Tak said impatiently, waving her hand. "I have no intention of having to disguise myself within my own _base._"

"...Oh. Okay."

Tak let out a small, condescending noise, then began to walk across the room. But then she half-turned and added, "You can turn off your hologram too if you wish. Follow me."

"What?! I, uh---oh..."

Skoodge hesitated for a moment, looking around nervously, then closed his eyes and allowed his hologram to vanish. Then he ran after Tak, allowing a PAK-leg to remove his wig as he did so (but grabbing back the hat to cram back on his head). It felt weird, though, being in an obviously-human environment without a disguise---it felt sort of like he was walking around an important place naked. Which he had only ever done when he was in the Academy and other students stole his clothes as a prank, of course.

Tak led Skoodge down a short hallway off of the entrance hall, stopping at a room that looked to Skoodge comparatively average---actually it looked just like a normal living room, albeit a large and very expensive one. This room, too, was decorated for Christmas---another tree stood in one corner while cheery pine decorations went all around the walls. A fire was burning in the fireplace, with two stockings hanging by the fireplace, one with Tak's name on it.

Tak settled onto the ornate antique couch, sitting on one end with the bearing of Tallest Miyuki on her throne. Skoodge sat down next to her, albeit more in the middle of the couch, with several inches of respectful (and slightly fearful) distance. The couch was far softer and more comfortable than it appeared, and Skoodge's nervous face melted into a smile as the nearby fire warmed his cold body.

"This is nice," Skoodge said. He pointed. "I like that tree! The one I set up at home isn't half as nice."

"Hmm. Floyd set that up. My 'father,'" Tak added at Skoodge's confused look. "Apparently he has a..._thing _for Christmas, and no amount of brainwashing seems to discourage it." She ran a clawed finger absentmindedly over the implant on her face; Skoodge watched her and smiled shyly, his eyes drifting back to the package in her hand.

Sensing the shift Tak looked down too, grimacing at the present as if in annoyance. "Ah yes," she muttered, as if she had forgotten what started this odd visit in the first place. She brought it to her antennae and shook it briefly, hearing a slight rattle. "What is this, anyway?"

"Well, open it, silly!" Skoodge giggled, bouncing in his seat. "I made it myself," he added.

Tak's mind switched from potential traps to potential horrors; shooting him another look she reached down and snapped the ribbon easily with one clawed finger, then tore off the paper to reveal a plain white box. Skoodge's bouncing became even more annoying, and Tak rolled her eyes as she took off the lid, expecting something cheesy and...

Tak froze, staring. "What is this?"

"It's jewelry!" Skoodge exploded, as though he had been bursting to say that all night. "Do you like it?!"

Tak reached into the box and slowly drew her present out; it was a short silver chain, nothing elaborate, but connected to each end was a small little button with a clasp on the back, each of which had a sparkling purple gemstone embedded within. "What are these?"

"Well, the chain is silver," Skoodge explained. "Not pure silver, of course, but it's, uh...I think humans call it 'sterling,' it's the best kind for jewelry. I had to use some Earth netsites to figure out how to make it. And the stones are amethyst! I'd never heard of it before, but apparently it's fairly common on Earth though. I read all about it on the Interthingy. Apparently it's the birth-rock for people born in February. Ooh, and you know that alcohol stuff humans drink? Ancient humans thought that amethyst would keep that from making you act stupid. Its name even means 'not drunk.'"

"...So what, you're giving me this gift because you think I'm an alcoholic?"

"Huh? Oh, no! I just chose _that_ because it's purple," Skoodge said, shrugging. "I looked up its composition from the Weekeepeedeean Control Brain-thingy and made it with Zim's mineral compression machine."

Tak's gaze snapped from the gift to the giver. "You made _this?_ Out of just some spare minerals?" she asked in astonishment.

"Uh-huh!" Skoodge said, nodding enthusiastically. "And it was a lot of work, too! I wanted to get the stones _just_ right, I wanted them to be the same color as your eyes, that weird sort of really-dark purple, because they're pretty and I thought this would match."

Tak blinked and snapped around again. Skoodge smiled back at her as if he had said nothing of any particular import. Tak sheepishly looked away, examining the stones again. Skoodge had done a good job, she thought vaguely---they were indeed about the same distinctive dark-violet that set Tak apart from even most other purple-eyed Irkens. "So what is it?" she asked, trying to silence the strange emotions that tingled in her squeedly-squooch. "Some sort of bracelet?"

"What? Oh, no, it's for your---see---"

He suddenly leaned forward and gently took the jewelry from Tak's hand, then (rather awkwardly) stood up on the couch and leaned towards her face. Tak stiffened as Skoodge reached above her eye for her facial implant; the odd gift snapped right over it on both ends, leaving two shining purple gems on both spots where it entered her head and a tinkling silver chain between them, hanging slightly slack just above her eye. He leaned back, smiling warmly as she reached out to feel it.

"You look nice," Skoodge said softly. "Do you like it?"

Tak didn't answer. She felt her cheeks begin to heat up and turned away, praying to all the gods in the cosmos that she wasn't---ugh---_blushing_ of all things.

Just then Honoré entered the room, a tray with two steaming mugs in his hands. "_Vos boissons, mademoiselle,_" he sniffed, setting the tray on the coffee table in front of them. "Will zere be anytheeng else?"

"No, thank you," Tak said stiffly, waving him away. Honoré bowed and, pointedly not looking at Skoodge, spun on his heel and marched out of the room.

"Ooh, cocoa!" Skoodge cheered, grabbing a mug and downing half of it in one gulp. He gasped. "And it's got _marshmallows!_"

"Er---yes," Tak said, feeling even more awkward as she reached out for hers. "Oddly it seems to be one of the few Earth drinks we can consume, assuming it's made right."

Skoodge nodded. "Yeah! I didn't even realize you _could_ make it with milk before I told my friend Keef's mom I was allergic to water."

"Allergic to---and she _bought _that?" Sometimes Tak wondered if she was overworking herself trying to hide from these monkeys.

Skoodge slurped down the rest of his cocoa (spilling a bit down his already-stained Invader's uniform) and set it back down on the tray. "Anyway, it was real nice of you to invite me in, but I gotta go soon. I have a favorite Christmas special that---_oh Irk!_"

He jumped, the chronometer coming out of his PAK again and beeping wildly; Tak recoiled in surprise. "Oh no!" Skoodge cried, his chronometer receding as his entire face fell. "I'm too late!"

"Whuh---too late for what?!"

"My favorite Christmas special!" Skoodge moaned, covering his face with his claws. "It's already started, and by the time I get back to the base it will be _over _already!"

He moaned, melting into the chair. Tak just looked at him, her feelings of annoyance all coming back now at incredible speed. "A Christmas special..." she muttered, rolling her eyes. "What kind of Irken Invader..."

Skoodge looked up at her, his eyes half-closed in sadness; Tak paused, and without thinking her hand drifted up to her implant and the decoration that now graced it. Not that made any sort of difference, mind you---she fully realized that this whole 'Christmas' thing was supposed to be reciprocal, but there was no reason that she, a mighty Irken Invader, would feel the need to...

She sighed, then suddenly withdrew a remote control from her PAK. She pointed it at the opposite wall and pressed a button; instantly it split down the middle and receded into the floor and ceiling, revealing a small alcove with a TV screen almost as tall as the ceiling. "What channel?"

Skoodge sputtered, then suddenly hugged her; she stiffened, eyes going wide in horror. "Oh, thank you, Tak! It's the last time it'll be on this season, and---"

"_Don't touch me, you sniveling little worm!_" Tak screeched, and instantly Skoodge's arms were off of her, his green face turning white. "Now what channel?!"

They found the right channel and Skoodge sheepishly settled back down on the couch, a small, happy smile stuck on his face. Tak sat down too and began to watch the show, unsure of what to expect. At first she was intrigued---the protagonist resembled an Irken slightly in both appearance and temperament, but the first five minutes also included a society of ridiculous human stand-ins, a horrendous amount of singing and a sickeningly sympathetic dog. And half of the story didn't even seem to be _words._

"What is the point of this?" Tak muttered to herself. And then, louder, "That...creature. He alone in this movie realizes the banality of this annoying Earth holiday. Why then glamorize him with a special purported to honor it?"

"Well, he likes Christmas by the _end,_" Skoodge explained. "See, the townspeople's Christmas spirit makes him realize---oh!" He slapped himself on the face. "Gah! I just gave away the ending, didn't I?!"

Tak rolled her eyes as Skoodge looked timidly away. She sighed, and Skoodge looked at her, realizing she didn't mind. A nervous smile returned as he went back to watching the show.

After a few minutes passed, Skoodge inched slightly closer to her. Tak gave him a look but then returned her eyes to the screen; Skoodge took this as an allowance and slid the rest of the way until the two were sitting side by side, warmed by each other and the crackling fire. A moment later Honoré returned and received an order to bring Skoodge another cocoa ("with more marshmallows, please!")

"Tak?" Skoodge said, interrupting the final climactic ten minutes of the show.

"Yes?"

"Merry Christmas."

Tak didn't look at him, but she reached up again and touched the gemstone a few inches above her eye.

"...Merry Christmas, Skoodge."

* * *

**A/N:** _Whoo, _that took a lot of work. I felt kind of rushed writing this before the holiday, but I hope it came out alright---I'm not sure, was there too much in the middle and not enough Tak? Should I have cut Dib and Keef's parts out? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this, happy holidays to all, and I would love it if you left some reviews in my stocking! :-D


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